Gaining a Perspective on Conflict
Keys to Constructive Problem Solving
Productive Attitudes for Addressing Conflict
Preparing for Problem Solving
Ground Rules for Problem Solving Meetings
Managing Emotions

Conflict Wisdom:  Gaining a Perspective on Conflict *

• Most people really want to agree and get along; they are usually just as surprised and uncomfortable by disagreements as the party with whom they are disagreeing.
   
• Conflict is as natural as the rain. It's periodic presence should not surprise us any more than a rain shower would when the conditions are right. (Author unknown)
   
• Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy.
   --Aristotle
   
• It takes courage and humility to seek a peaceful resolution to any conflict. We must be brave enough to honestly share our own perspective and humble enough to genuinely try to understand and accept an alternative perspective.
   
• At the foundation of every nearly conflict is an unmet need or the fear of a need going unmet. 
   
• No two people will hold exactly the same perspective of any event, fact, situation or value. Differences can be shared, explored, revised, reinterpreted, bridged, accepted and/or surmounted.
   
• In most cases, it is not the objective conflict that becomes our undoing; it is our response to the perceived conflict. Our individual response can determine whether any difference of opinion, fact, values or resources will lead us to manifest conflict, joint resolution, conciliation, or an all-out war.
  
  * The original sources of the information above is unknown. It is provided here solely to help the reader better appreciate the nature of human conflict and is not for republication.
   

Keys to Constructive Problem Solving

• Be unconditionally constructive

• Treat each person with respect
  -use courteous language
  -control volume
  -share “air time”
  -do not interrupt or engage in over-speak
  -remain seated

• Be forward looking

• Separate the person from the problem

• Listen for understanding, speak to be understood

• Check out assumptions

• Speak for yourself and what is true for you

• Be prepared to accept multiple perspectives

• Work towards mutual understanding

• Be prepared to apologize and/or forgive

Productive Attitudes for Addressing Conflict

• Parties in a dispute can generally find the best solutions to their problem.
• All parties in conflict have interests and needs that are important to them.
• The best solutions should meet the most important interests of all parties.
• Conflicts may involve compatible interests and needs as well as conflicting ones.
• There are usually more than one acceptable solution to a problem.

Ground Rules for Problem Solving Meetings

• Treat each person with respect.
• Speak for yourself and what is true for you.
• Seek solutions earnestly
• Participate in good faith.
   

Emotions and Conflict

• How we respond to our own emotions affects our capacity to hear, understand and respond to others. They can lead us to understanding and learning or blind us.
• Conflict can trigger negative emotions; resolving conflict can result in positive emotions.
• People can be uncomfortable when expressing or listening to strong feelings because they
  • have difficulty expressing emotions constructively
  • are unsure how to respond
  • fear losing control

Myths about Emotions

• They are not normal.
• They should be ignored.
• They are a sign of weakness or irrationality.
• They can’t be controlled.
• They are not proper in the workplace.

Facts about Emotions

• They are natural to all people and present in all relationships.
• They impact our perception of communications, actions, facts, motives and attributions.
• They can impact our behavior and choices.
• They are expressed differently by each person. (e.g. issues, timing, directness, behaviors, intensity, and duration)

Managing Emotions During Conflict

• Slow down.
• Manage your own emotions first.
• Remember the importance of timing, tone and tact.
• Describe your feelings; don’t act them out.
• Listen for the other party’s feelings and acknowledge them.
• Accept each others' feelings. (Arguing about feelings is unproductive and escalates conflict.).
• Set limits for behavior. (Safety and wellbeing always come first.)
• Request timeout, if needed, to allow for regrouping emotionally and for reflection.
• Set a mutually acceptable time to return to the discussion (and follow through).
• Ask for help, if needed. (There are times when certain concerns, working relationships, previous experiences, and personal limitations may call for a neutral party.)